ONE HOT MAMA

AND another one.

2006-12-08T01:13:00.000-05:00

This quilt was done for a friend out in CA. SHe ordered if for her Mother in law. The little guys on it are her husband and his brother growing up. I'm pretty proud of it. I also just joined a MOM's group out here. We had our first playgroup today and my oh my was it nice. The kids had a blast and I got to talk with other mom's. The lady who was hosting the playgroup asked me to come back witht he twins next week we hit it off that well. I was very happy that she liked me and my kidletts so well to get a solo invite back, we had a lot in common and it's such a great feeling to think I may just have friends out here yet.

I have the BEST Hubby!

2006-12-03T22:25:00.000-05:00

I forgot to post about my AWESOME early Christmas gift my Hubby has gotten for me. He bought me the sewing machine I have been drooling about for months. It's a Husqvarna Designer 1. OH MY GOODNESS this machine is soooooooo NICE!. He also out of the blue bought me the domain name and website for my business. I feel on top of the world. It's so nice to have him support me in this business and see that I can really make some extra cash with it.

So go check out my web site.

www.angibakercreations.com

I'm just now finishing up another memory quilt. Probably my best one yet. I'm really liking how is coming out. I also did one other one that I didn't post here. It's on my website tho ;o) I've been running my new machine like a mad woman since I got it. My only thing I'm working on now is how do I get more business and where should I advertise. I want to attract at least 2 more quilt orders a month. If I could manage that I think I'd be set! But one step at a time. I've come a LONG way since Feb 2006. Yep less than a year's time I've learned how to sew and went thru two machines and started a business and a website. AMAZING!

Another quilt for a customer/friend

2006-10-16T20:27:00.000-04:00

She had me take apart her daughters clothes from her first year and make her a quilt. It was harder than I thought it would be. The knits were getting stretched out of shape and hard to work with. But it turned out ok and she was thrilled with it and asked that I do one for her son once he turned one.

New hair style and family photo's

2006-10-05T01:24:00.000-04:00

I forgot to show my new hair and here are our recent pic's. The photo shoot was a nightmare and the kids ended up very unhappy. But these were the best of what we had to choose from.

Kids are in new school.

2006-10-05T01:10:00.000-04:00

Time for a update. We had to change the kids preschool. The one we had them in at first was not a good fit for William. This one seems to be better. He is just such a hard headed kid. Darn cute but hard headed. I think I'm gonna have to up the discipline on that one. Kills me to do that because I feel like I'm always picking on him. He is ALWAYS into something. SO anyway there was that. Angelina is doing well. She is in a whiney sassy stage right now. Oh my goodness can she give some hateful looks. We are so in for a rude awakening went hey get to be teenagers. Matt is on first shift now. We are enjoying the family time. But after 7 years of second shift it's taking some getting used to. The sleeping is the worst part. Both of us are used to having the whole queen bed to ourselves. My sewing is going great. I'm getting steady orders for things. The little extra money is coming in handy so that's awesome. I'm hoping it will just get better and better as word of mouth spreads. Someday I'd like to upgrade my machine to the next model. That will have to wait a while it looks like. I was going to do last year but we got a new car instead. Then I was going to do it this year with our tax money. But Matt has suggested we save all the money and put it down on a house. So we shall see how it all goes. Sooner or later I will get it. It's not do or die thing. I'm doing great with the one I have. I would just LOVE to have that other one. I'd also like for Matt to be more supportive of me in this. It's making money that he is happy to put in the checking account. Yet I get NO CREDIT for helping. He doesn't see it as I do I guess. I see this as a possible small business I can do out of the house. My mom did it when I was growing up. She made really good money and was always home with us. I want the same for my kids. I want the extra income and to be home. This will allow both. But I have to learn as I go and I need support to do that. I feel like I'm picking it up pretty quick and getting great response from online friends. My quilts are selling too which is so cool! Well that's pretty much all there is here.

My latest creation

2006-10-04T13:29:00.000-04:00

I cried! They didn't.

2006-09-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

Yep! Today was the first day of pre-school. The kids LOVED it! They went right in and got to playing. The didn't care if I left or not. When I picked them up they cried because they had to go home. They both were so tired. William was so tired he just laid on the stairs and whimpered until I carried him up them for nap time. Both kids had a scratch on their face. Seems they didn't like sharing the toys with each other. Their teacher said they did great sharing with all the other kids. Just NOT each other.

GONNA DO IT!!!!

2006-08-08T20:52:00.000-04:00

Ok so I've decided. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get all cute and stuff. I had to make a deal with husband to get him on board. But it should be OK. (wink wink)

I'm at a loss with what to do with my little man. Here recently he has just been such a little stinker. He never listens unless I YELL at him. I hate having to yell all the time but it's the only thing that makes him " hop to". I guess what I should do is instant timeout every. single. time he ignores me. I hate doing that because I feel like I'm being t hard on him. But on the other hand I don't want him to end up a brat. It makes things worse that his twin sister is pretty easy going and usually goes with the flow. So I'm always on his case and very rarely on hers. Makes me feel like I favor her. But really she just doesn't do as much. UGH! Parenting it's always something.

To cut or not to cut...THAT is the question.

2006-08-07T20:16:00.000-04:00

Ok so as I already wrote. I'd like a new hair style. One that's cute, sassy and flirty. I love being a mom. HONEST to God I do. But I don't want to end be of those mom's that's all boring and homely looking. I want to stay up with the trends and look good thru each stage of life. I also don't want to look like one of those women you see that are trying to look younger than they are. I think there is a happy medium in there. SO I asked about that style of hair and color. I got great reactions form everyone EXCEPT my husband. UGH! The one person I really want to look cute too doesn't like it. So do I do it anyway and hope it grows on him. Or not....... HMMMM

I just signed the twins up for pre-school today. They are due to start mid Sept. I think this is a great thing for them as well as me. They will be going Tuesday and Thursdays for two and half hours. So nothing real long but yet a break for all of us. I'm kinda sad about it all too. At one point I love this stage with them. They are so much fun. At another point I'm just so sad it's gone by so fast. I think this happens to every parent. You realize they they won't need you forever and it breaks your heart. That they someday will be grwon and on their own. You wan them to stay little and adore you forever. But each day you see more and more of the kids that they will become and eventually the adults they will become. It's so bittersweet.

Made My first Quilt!

2006-08-02T15:21:00.000-04:00

I am so happy with my little sewing self. I made this Rag Quilt for my Best Friend in Ohio. She just had a baby boy after 3 girls. So the little man had to have a baby boy quilt from his Aunt Angi.

Here it is......

Last night I worked on getting my little kitchen nook organized to sew in. It's so small but I got it feeling a bit better. I think I am going to work on a memory quilt next. I have one outfit to sew up and ship out this next week then a Halloween outfit a friend has asked me to do for her. So slowly I am gaining experience and bringing in a little extra money here and there. I am thinking maybe when the twins are in Kindy that I'd like to work out of the house with my sewing. So that's the goal right now. I want to learn as much as I can in the next few years and then once they are ready to go to full days at school I'll be ready to go to full days at home.

NEW HAIR STYLE

2006-08-01T23:52:00.000-04:00

Ok so now I'm 30 and I think I want a fun cute new hair style to start off the new decade of my life. I've looked around and I think this is what I want to do with it.
It's cute and fun and dosen't look like much upkeep. HMMMMM I think I just may go for it.

UPDATE MISTER!!!

2006-06-27T23:59:00.000-04:00

Well I have heard that it's time for a update.

On the "baby thing" both Matt and I feel it would be better to wait until next year if we can. But the problem is my body is doing weird things right now that point to menopause. So I made a appt with the doctor to see where I am in all of this. If my baby maker is on it's last leg we will probally go for the new baby this year. If he thinks I can wait a year without hurting our chances of a new baby next year we probally will do that. As much as I want another baby I must admit the thought of it scares the poop out of me. I am scared that I will be too overwhelmed and not be able to handle all 3 kids. I know that I will find my way thru it and Matt is always around to help me out but the thought of it all is still scary. I went thru the same feelings with the twins and I am doing just fine with them so I am sure it will al work out.

The twins have a preschool tour tomorrow. We are talking about enrolling them for 2 days a week each day is only 3 hours. They need a little time away from mommy to see that they have to listen to others and they also need to be around other kids their age. I had them at my mom's last week and they were bullies when they were in contact with another two year old. I was amazed at how they ganged up on her. Little farts!

Sounds like Matt's mom may be moving out here to work at Matt's plant. I like the idea of her being close by to be a bigger part of the kids lives. I am not so excited about the fact that his dad will be joining her in a while. But we will get our boundaries set from the start and I know the kids will enjoy them being closer.

Serious baby talks.

2006-06-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

Matt and I have been talking off and on about when to start trying for our last chile. well My reproductive organs are CRAP ( and thats being nice) and I will be 30 very soon. Not that 30 or older is to late to have a baby it's just older than I want to be preg. My personal cut off point for thinking of another child is 35. So anyway we talked about this last night and I am gonna call the reproductive place and find out how much a transfer of some of our already frozen embryos will run us and we will further discuss our options from there.

I have been on a major cleaning spree around the house. I have half of our garage cleaned out and I opened up most of the house to the kids. they just don't know what to think about this new freedom. William just keeps running back and forth in the hall way. He's so happy with his little self.

Yesterday we all ( me, matt, & twins) went outside to play in the backyard. We had a BLAST! It was the best kind of pure fun! My heart could have just burst with happiness. I sat in the grass and watched the love of my life play with his daughter and son, it was just so touching watching them laugh and play. Then he took each of them a ride around the yard in their little tykes car. OMG they had pure happiness on their faces. It was a moment I think I will never forget!

Peace of mind.

2006-05-26T00:43:00.000-04:00

This week has just flown by for me. William was evaluated on Tuesday for his speech therapy sessions. He has been getting speech for a little over a year. He was FINALLY dismissed and is 100% on track. Boy is he! He talks NON STOP! SO cute tho.

I have been really thinking about my place in the world and what I am doing with myself now that the big 3 O is coming up in July. Ya know what? There's nothing more I rather do than be home with the kids and taking care of my family. I am so happy with my little life. My marriage is in a great place (we have the normal bumps but in general it is way more good than bad) My kids are healthy and happy and I feel such a inner peace within it's almost surreal. I am so happy to be turning thirty! I never thought I would be but I am very excited to start a new bigger and better decade of life. My twenties is when I did a lot of soul searching and wishing. I found out who I am and what I want to become. I feel like I now of a clear picture to strive for and where I am headed. I have been down some really bumpy roads and now I can see that they were all worth it because I am where I am today. I LOVE my life and family.

Sewing news--
Well I have gotten a few orders more for some of my clothes I make. I am just so excited about this. I have found I LOVE to design clothes for kids and I love to sew them out as well. I looked on EBAY to see what boutique clothing goes for there and OMG it runs high. Boutique is just a fancy name for home sewn designer stuff. So I am thinking I will keep at it and see if I can make a little money on the side with this. From the feedback I have gotten so far it looks like I have a good eye for style and between myself and my mom who has been a seamstress for my whole life I can do just about anything. SO this looks like it may just be the thing to do while my little ones are home with me. Wish me luck!

Oh the life of a busy mom.

2006-05-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

Man here lately the kids have kept me moving. William has had various appt for his CP and then on top of his 4 weekly therapy sessions there is very little time left in the day for much else. Not to mention he has been being a total stinker here recently and when he isn't acting up Angelina is. UGH! Geesh kids let mommy breath could ya. Well to top things off last night (well the whole weekend really) Matt was just in a pissy ass mood. He has been nit picking me all weekend and pretty much just looking for a fight. I know he had a rough week at work my MY GOD so have I and WHY do I have to pay for his rough week? SO anyway back to last night, He starts on this tangent about the house and it not being to his liking. HELLO I do ALL the childrens care during the week I do 99.9% of the house work and I am wore the fuck out! Lay off me would ya? I mean is it too much to ask if your not happy with something to just DO IT YOURSELF and be quiet about it? I try honest I do. I feel like all I ever do is something for the kids, the house or HIM. WHEN is it my time to do for me? I also am annoyed cuz I want a clutter free clean house and I have so many things in my way of getting it. For one we have not enough space for the amount of crap we have. Two I have not enough time once the kids get to bed to do much else. SO anyway I am feeling a bit over whelmed these days with life as a stay at home mom.

On a brighter note~ The clothing I have been making for our kids has sparked some interest in some of the message boards I post on. I have had one order for one of the outfits already and 2 others have contacted me about making a few things for them as well. I am just so happy about this. For one thing it makes me feel good that they think enough of what I made to ask for me to make it for their child and for two it provides a little extra spending money for me. I told Matt I wanted to do a E-store and he of course rolled his eyes and made a face. Basicly telling me that he thought I wouldn't make a dime on what I make. I KNOW there is money to be made on what I do. My mom did nothing but sewing while my brother and I were small and she was always busy and made good money. So I know if I keep at it I can prove to Matt that I am not full of shit and I do have some talent in this area. I'd just like him to take notice that I do indeed have some talent and maybe just maybe can go somewhere with it. I guess what I want is support. All in good time right? I have plans to do some quilts next I think . I should post some more pic's of the recent outfits I have made for the kids. I will save those for another post.

Spring cleaning!

2006-04-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

Well I am in spring cleaning mode. I am offically getting the clutter out of this house. We are selling off useless space taking, dust collecting crap in here. SO far we have quite a lot up on Ebay and it seems to be selling pretty well so YAY! A cleaner house and money too...WOOO HOOOO! It's so hard to keep a tidy clean house when nothing has a place to be put away. We are at that point. We just move crap form one place to anothe cuz there is no room. I feels good to take the steps to get some contol over this pile of stuff we call home.

BABY FEVER

2006-04-05T22:39:00.000-04:00

The baby bug has bitten me hard the last few days. I am wanting another wee one pretty bad. The thing is the timing is bad and my two are just such a handful right now. But looking at pic's like this one makes my heart just melt for one more.

SO who knows maybe in a year or two we will try for one more. A girl can dream right?

DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY!!!!!

2006-04-05T22:34:00.000-04:00

I just LOVE this pic of Angelina. That face just cracks me up! Her daddy on the other hand hates this photo and when she was going thru that crazy smile phase he was worried she would have that goofy grin forever! Now tell me is it not adorable???

Here are better ones

2006-04-04T23:36:00.000-04:00

Here are two semi better one of my new style.

TA DA!!

2006-04-04T20:37:00.000-04:00

Here is a REALLY BAD pic of my new shorter style. I took the pic of myself just few mins ago so i could post it here. Man getting a good one of yourself is tough! AH well you get the idea. So here I am.

LOCKS OF LOVE!!!!!

2006-03-25T17:11:00.000-05:00

Well I DID IT! I got 11 Inches cut off my hair for Locks of Love. This is my second time donating to them. I plan on growing out my hair one more time and donating again before leaving my hair at shoulder length. I love my new hair style. I got it cut to my shoulders and then short shaggy layers around the top. I also got a high light to brighten up my blonde. I am very pleased with how it turned out! I will post a pic of my new style and one of how long it was tomorrow.

Today is Matt and I's 6 year wedding anniversarey. We are not doing anything this weekend due to money. But next weekend we probally we go out to dinner with the kids to celabrate not killing each other for the last 6 years.

AND one for Elina

2006-03-23T01:33:00.000-05:00

Just finished this tonight. Matt was pissed about the Wal-Mart thing and wasn't being pleasant to live with. So I went to my sewing machine and made Elina this. Too Cute if I must say so myself. It actually is ever cuter in person I think. The colors don't show as nice here. Oh and this fabric was from Jo-Ann's ;o) SO maybe just maybe Matt will like it. ALthough he hasn't said much of anything about any of the outfits I have made them yet. I am rather proud of of them tho and that is good enough.

One more for William.

2006-03-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

Here is another outfit for the lil man. I have some in the works for Angelina too. This has been so much fun. I am learning so much and getting the kids outfitted for summer along the way. Not a whole lot to report other than sewing news. Life has been rather easy going around here. Matt and I are still getting along rather well. My meds are working perfectly. I only got PMS for 2 days before my cycle hit this time. For me this was GREAT. I usually get it for over a week and it gets really bad. SO I am happy with 2 days over that for sure. HMMMM what else. Oh my mom was out here last week and she helped me on some sewing projects then we went to jo-ann's super store. (think HUGE jo-ann's) well I got a little fabric crazy and spent a bit much on that trip. This really ticked Matt off. But to my defense I rarely spend money on myself and he tends to always be spending on his baseball cards. Granted his is a a little here and little there ALL THE TIME. I just did mine all at once AND it will clothe our kids once I get done with it. SO anyway I have a nice little stash of fabrics for both kids just calling out o me to get sewing on. Good thing too Cuz out baby girl has decided she has to get tall outta no where. Well that's about it in my world.

A outfit for William

2006-03-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

I got this done for little man. Gosh it's SO HARD to find patterns for little boys. I found this one for the shorts and then turn a plain tee-shirt into something to match. I have ton's of cute idea's for Angelina but not so many for William. Poor lil boys never have the fun clothes.

Life is good!

2006-03-08T19:12:00.000-05:00

I am amazed at how well Matt and I are getting along. I was put on a new med for my anxiety/depression and I seem to be much more happy now. We are actually able to talk and joke without getting all angry at each other. I mean sure we still have small stuff to work on but all in all we are doing great. We are coming up on our 6 year anniversary. It has flown by seems like just yesterday we were just dating. I can honestly say Matt was the best choice I EVER made. We are a perfect match. Which is kinda funny cuz we are very much opposites. But I guess it's true that opposites attract.

Now if I could just get my sex drive going we would be all good. That's the down side to depression meds. Most of them have negative sexual side effects. For me this is double wammy. I have a very low drive to start with then you add that and I could honestly live forever and not even think about sex. It has NOTHING with Matt or being attracted to him. It's just the meds and it takes a LOT to get me going it seems. So that's something I gotta make a effort to fix.

Newest outfit I made!

2006-03-02T19:21:00.000-05:00

made this one last night and I must say I am just so proud of it. I am gonna alter the pattern a bit and made one for William. I am LOVING this sewing thing and the price I can make clothes for is is WAY LESS than buying them PLUS I know they will fit and are cute!!!

Letter to kotex...

2006-02-25T23:40:00.000-05:00

I got this in my email from my friend Kristy. I found it so funny (and true) I felt the need to share.

Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantyliner had a bunch of Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh
- Try Kotex .. blah blah blah .. other products
Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6 to 8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and, report back. I'll wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-DAMN-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol. Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including at the point of purchase. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doing it!)
Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

My first projects with mynew machine

2006-02-16T14:05:00.000-05:00

Here is the top of Angelina's outfit.

Here are the bloomer's

A close up of the bee on her dress and bloomer's

Here is the picture I made

Lastly, the blanket I have done

I have a lot more in the works. I have a good start on William's blanket and then I am gonna do some shorts for the little man. I am just loving this new toy.

Cute little game

2006-02-14T19:52:00.000-05:00

Visit this link and you pick 6 words to describe me then you make one for yourself and add the link to your site and invite people to describe you.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Bakertwins2004

YEAH MOMMY!!!!!

2006-02-14T19:13:00.000-05:00

My mom was out here last week and then she went back home friday and came back sat with my dad. We had a very nice visit. While my mom was here she bought me a GREAT gift. She was teaching me to sew and finally this time it clicked. SO she decided to get me a nice sewing machine to get me going. I got a Husqvarna Scandinavia 300 it does both sewing and embroidery. It is AWESOME!!!! SO far I have made Angelina a outfit and a blanket. I have one started for WIlliam and some fabric for some shorts to do for him. I am just so excited about all of this. I will post pics of my projects real soon. OH and I made a huge pic for my wall of the kids. SO anyway that's what I have been up too.

My mommy's coming over.

2006-02-08T12:51:00.000-05:00

Well my mom is on her way for a little visit. She is bringing some things to teach me to sew. I am gonna "attempt" to make Angelina some outfits for summer. Wish me luck. Although I am good at crafty stuff sewing wasn't a strong point for me. I am now wanting to learn so we shall see where it goes. My mom will be out here for a few days then go back to Ohio and get my dad and come back with him for another day. My dad and mom were supposed to come out over the weekend but my dad being the non-family guy he is choose to not come on account of the weather. Which by the way was not bad enough to cancel the trip. But I guess he is ready now to come see his grandkids. We shall see what happens there. But for now I will enjoy what I do have and that is my mom is on her way.

Matt is home for the next 2 weeks. The beginning of this lay off has not been going well. We have been up to our old ways and fighting over the DUMBEST SHIT EVER! I told him last night it was time to step it up again and work on breaking this cycle. I am up to the challenge let's hope he is too. That's the dumbest part of this stupid fighting. IF we BOTH work together we get along great and enjoy each other. So WHY don't we do it all the time? I have no clue but we are gonna get out of the habit and be good to each other again. Ok well that's about all I got to say for today.

Somebody slap me!

2006-02-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

Ok today I had a appt for William at the Ortho doc. His little feet kinda roll in when he stands. He is still pretty clumsy when he walks and he drags his Left ever so slightly when he walks. SO at his 2 year check up I mentioned it to his PED and she watched him walk and said that I was right he should be seen. So I took him in today totally expecting them to tell me to get him some supportive shoes or maybe a insert for his shoes. Ya know, something mild. Well NOPE the ortho Dr. said that yes he is dragging his leg and lets get a X-ray of his hips. I felt nervous from then until I left. Well the good news is his hips are perfect. The not so good news is the Ortho Dr. Said he needs a brace for that leg to make him use it right. He won't need it forever but for now he needs it. I feel so bad for my little man. He always has all the issues. The thing that really shook me up was the mention of cerbal palsy. The Dr. said he is pretty sure William has a *mild* case of it and although he can't commit 100% to that with out a MRI he is pretty confident that is what we are dealing with. The Dr. Said his own daughter has it and the thing with cerbal palsy is there is not much that can be done. Therapy and teaching them how to move their body's in a way that the muscles with allow is about it. I guess the good side of this is it doesn't get worse with time. It is just what it is. I've always known he has had low muscle tone. I was ok with that term. What I didn't know was the term *low muscle tone* is a nice way of saying mild case of cerbal palsy. Just the label takes a bit to get used to I guess. I should be SO THANKFUL that he is healthy and his mind is totally sharp and smart. I should be so happy for all that we have been given with these two. But truthfully I am so sad right now. I guess I gotta get over it and do what's right for my little man. The great thing is the Dr. Said that with me noticing all these things in him very soon in the game by the time he goes to school no one should be able to tell he has it. He said most of the time cases like Williams are not caught until the child is 4-5 and by then they are school age when the braces and stuff are introduced. So YAY! MOMMY! We will get that part over with and save him from having to deal with mean kids at school.

Mama Brag

2006-02-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

Just look at them. Are they not the cutest kids ever? thes are from today. They really amaze me with how big they are and act now.

Cross eyed???

2006-01-31T19:02:00.000-05:00

Ok so help me out here. Today my sweet loving husband said to me that I look cross eyed in my photo on here. I said that no I was just looking to the left and that's why my eye is facing that way. So please tell me the brutal honest truth....DO I look cross eyed? Here is the offending photo a bit larger

SNASTY!

2006-01-30T19:42:00.000-05:00

Ok so yesterday I had a REALLY nasty experience. You see my son is the stinky-est kid in the world. I mean his room smells long after we have gone and gotten him. We have air freshener in his room to defunk it on a daily basis. So anyway I went to get him after a nap and of course Mr. Stinky-pants had pooped. I do my usual damage control and got the wipes all ready had my bag for the toxic diaper I was armed with the air freshener. I had one ready to cover his rear to keep him from putting his hand in it. EEWWW. Then it happened. I slapped my hand right square in POOP! The wipe slipped and my hand went right flat against his poop cover booty. OH.MY.GOD!!!! GAG! SO NASTY!

WOW what a difference!

2006-01-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

Well today was the first day that Matt and I have had where we both worked on our issues and kept the others feelings in mind. It went pretty dang well. We had a nice family outing. We did some business at the bank then took the kids out to lunch at olive garden. It was SOOOOO NICE! We fell into some of our stupid stuff every once in a while but caught ourselves and worked past it. I was very happy to see if we want to make this work we really can. I actually enjoyed every last min of our day together today. That's a real improvement. Most of the time weekends are full of fighting and hurt feelings. NOT THIS WEEKEND! We have broken the cycle and we are gonna get back to our old life. We both are letting the past be the past and starting a new fresh future. WOW, even with all the extra family drama I feel so free. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

What won't kill us will make us stronger.

2006-01-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well since Matt's parents have shown their true colors, our marriage is better than ever. It brought us closer together and has shown us what we needed all along. We had grew apart a lot while we were handling life with twins. We didn't lean on each other as much because life was so busy. We now know that the only one we can truly depend on is each other. I am so proud of Matt for standing his ground and not letting them jerk him around anymore. So while his dad thought he would drive us apart. What has happened is the exact opposite. Oh that reminds me of a Email his dad had sent Matt back in 2001. He told Matt "Don't get a new job. Get a new wife." This was over Matt saying he wanted to leave G.M. His dad of course thought I was behind it all. When the real truth was I was trying to tell Matt to stay at G.M. Oh I was SOOOO PISSED! SO you see this crap has been going on for a while. But WE WIN! We are still married. We are HAPPY! We don't NEED them. They will see that being in our life is not a RIGHT. ( can I use anymore UPPERCASE words?)

ONCE AGAIN MY MOUTH HAS GONE TOOO FAR!

2006-01-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

Well to get the whole story go to my hubby's blog. But the real thing I am sad about is NOT what I said to his dad but what it has done to my husband. I have sat by and watched his dad treat him like shit for 6 years and I had enough. This is MY FAMILY and I will not allow him to screw with what is MINE. Ok so yes I know this is his son to. BUT my God how much does he have to take from the man?? I mean once a few years back I'd say Matt was ummmmm about 24-25 his dad told him "if you can't BEHAVE go sit in the CAR". I swear I HATE this man. HATE is such a strong term but yet it is exactly what I mean. I find it funny he spouts on about RESPECT and yet shows NONE to his son or his WIFE for that matter. I find it funny that he can call himself a loving father who does not wish pain on his son and then go on to tell him he is full of bull shit. He was talking out both side of his mouth the entire Email. Oh and UMMMMM we SOOOO are not going to his house to hear his "lecture". Isn't not gonna happen.... Am I so wrong to be happy he never wants to come to our house ever again? I mean the way I see it is.... He is only hurting himself by that. I have NEVER told either of them they were not welcome here. I would not do that to my kids or my husband. As a matter of fact they both are still welcome as far as I am concerned. But I will not stand by while he is disrespectful in our house or to my husband. SO if that's too much to ask they please stay home.

I find it funny how he finds the need to taunt his SON in the Email. I mean COME ON he supposed to his dad not this big ogre and say shit like "Everything you send to everyone, email, text message by phone, I get to read. They save it for me. I didn't ask them to or even want them to but unlike you, they all love me and feel for me and your mother because of the way you two have been acting." PLEASE what about the pain Matt has felt each and every time you come here and treat him, his mother and his autistic brother like shit? Who feels bad for them? Who stands up for them? Well ENOUGH! I can't stand by and watch this train wreck anymore. This is painful for me. I can't even imagine what it feels like to my husband. Oh and how exactly do they save phone calls for him to READ?

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY!

2006-01-25T13:02:00.000-05:00

Here they are two years ago to the day. They were still not out of the NICU. Man has life flown by since these were taken. It is so hard to imagine them ever this tiny. Sniff Sniff....My babies are full blown toddlers

PROJECT FATTEN BABY!

2006-01-25T11:21:00.000-05:00

Today was the kids 2 year check up. I am happy to say that we have very HEALTHY kids. The Dr. Was very happy with how well they have done. You see our kids were born 2 months early and came in at William 3 lbs 13oz 16.5 inches
Angelina 4lbs 4oz 18 inches. We have not had any problems with their lungs and all the commons effects of being born too soon have thankfully skipped over us. William has reflux and it was pretty severe as a baby all the way until 18 months. He still battles with it but is WAY better. Angelina has always seemed to be in perfect health. So anyway, as of today they are.....

William 21lbs 2oz
31 inches

Angelina 23lbs 14oz
34 inches

William is still not on the chart but is perfectly healthy and the Dr. Stressed this to me. She said I need to keep on doing what I am to make sure he gets a LOT of fat in his diet. But she said he is very healthy and strong and in no way suffering by being small. Angelina is 50% on height and 10% for weight so she is tall and skinny in the toddler world. All this time we thought she was a chunk and turns out that she is no where near that. She just looks like it against William.

So I am very pleased with my twinadoes. They got the finger prick for iron levels. Both of them came back perfect and then they got the dreaded MMR shot that I have been putting off since 12 months. I wanted to wait on that one because of Matt's brother being autistic and I wanted to be sure that IF either of ours showed signs of it that I would never wonder if it was the shot. They have said for a while now that this shot has been PROVEN NOT to cause autism. But as a mom I didn't want to chance it. SO they got that and the Dr. told me that she knows that neither of them are autistic. They are not showing any red flags at all.

NEW LOOK!

2006-01-24T19:58:00.000-05:00

I got inspired by JUST A MOM.
So here is my new look. Ya like?

Not sure if I wanna cry or run away.

2006-01-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

Ok I will preface this with I am going thru a bout of PMS and that may have made my feelings worse but they are still valid.

This weekend has not been the best. Matt needs to get his self in check. He has been very hateful with his tone and words to me and I HATE that. I am at a loss as to how do I let that stuff roll off my back and NOT play into it. I know he does it to get a reaction out of me. He wants to get me pissed off. It WORKS! So the marriage is still on the rocks. Nothing is going better. I REFUSE to give up! But again this is gonna take TWO and lots of hard work. I totally get that it's not gonna be easy and that it will not happen over night. I mean it took us 6 years to get to this point. But the kids are worth making it better. Heck I AM worth making it better. *drama coming* All that said I am feeling very hurt, broken and sad today. I want to feel loved cherished and like I am gold. He used to be so sweet and good to me. But like most things that wore off and life took over. Now he treats me worse than strangers and co- workers. Why is it that we treat perfect strangers better than the ones we are supposed to love and adore? Anyway I am kinda down in the dumps today and feeling a bit overwhelmed. *end drama*

It's not WHAT you say but HOW you say it.

2006-01-20T12:39:00.000-05:00

I have come to this conclusion earlier today. Before Matt went to bed we had a bit of a tiff. Not really a fight but a tiff. We were talking about his dad's birthday. It's tomorrow and I had gotten him a card a few days ago. See this man I can not handle him. I hate him! He treats his son's like total crap and not to mention his wife ( my MIL) he treats her worst than crap in my opinion. So anyway I got him a card and I asked matt if he mailed it today. He said not that we HAD to get this asshat a gift before we could mail it. That his dad would be MAD if we didn't. Well this of course set me off. I said NO WAY we are SOOOOO NOT getting him a gift after the way they have been acting lately ( LONG STORY will cover later).
Matt said HAD to and like it or not that was how it HAD to be. We fussed back and forth at each other for a bit about each of our view on this issue. We still do not see it in the same light but it is not that big of a deal. If he wants to get the jack off a gift then so be it. It think it is wrong to make people feel like they HAVE too and that a card is not enough with out a gift but hey whatever.

SO after I put the kids down for a nap and went out to the store to get my Med's and some things we needed I was thinking. What bothers me so much about this gift thing is this. This man has treated my husband like SHIT from the day he was born. He still treats him like shit and I hate to think he has control of any type over him. I hate that Matt feels like sending a card to his dad is not enough. Shouldn't it be? I mean when I put myself in the parents shoes. I would not expect my kids to get me a darn thing and a card would be more than enough. The fact they took time to remember me in their busy adults lives would mean so much to me I would not EXPECT any more than that. Ok so did I handle the problem in the way I could have to make him see where I was coming from? NO! Why?? Well because I ran on pure emotion as I am so likely to do. I get my undies all in a bunch way faster than my brain has time to process what I am feeling. I just knew I didn't agree with what Matt was saying and wanted to be "right". When the fact of the gift was not even the real issue to me. It was the underlying stuff with it that had me bothered. I am working on my temper. I need to cool off before I open my mouth. This is SO HARD for me. I run my mouth and then stuff comes out that I would have never said had I gave my self time to just think things thru. The flip side of this is Matt needs to know I need time to think and let me have it. He likes to push me and push me to say things instead of giving me space to work it out and then talk to me about it later. Some thing we both need to work on I think.

~Sidebar for Matt~
So honey if ya wanna get the jerk a gift card before sending him a card and it means something to you to do it then by all means do it. But please don't do it because you feel like he demands it be so. This is not right and you need to stand for what you think is right. Either way I am behind what you decide to do. I love ya baby doll and I am sorry I wasn't able to talk about this to you like a mature adult. I am a work in progress just like you and together we will make it. I love you honey!
~End sidebar for Matt~

JUST SAY THANKS!

2006-01-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

Ok after my last post I have something that has to be addressed. In the comments you will see where my husband took everything I said and still found a way of making it wrong or bad. I am so annoyed with this. I felt so good about putting up there all the great things he is to me. Instead of saying thank you or being just happy in general he found something wrong with what I did or did not say. I mean COME ON can't you just take it as the way I meant it and be happy? This is pretty normal when ever I put myself out there for him he will find a way to shoot me back down. Then he wonders why I never say those things to him. He wonders why I just complain and never say anything positive to him. WELL WHEN I DO YOU DO THIS!!! I have admitted all along I am not one to talk "feelings". I have been hurt so may time I keep the tender part of my heart way deep inside. It is easier for me to express anger over any other emotion. There are many reasons I am this way and Matt knows them all but he still does nothing to help me feel safe and this only makes it worse for me. Nothing I do is ever right or good enough. Just the other night he was complaining the he needed a paper shredder. So while I was at the store later that night I got him one. If wasn't top of the line but it was decent. I brought it home to him and he turned his nose up to it and it still has not made it out of the box. I so just want to give up and say to him I will never been enough for you. Please find someone who will and let me be. I am so done with not feeling like anything I do is appreciated or right. I hate feeling like a failure.

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIM!!

2006-01-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

Ok with all my complaining I have been doing I decided to do a post of the GREAT things I love about my husband.

1. He is great daddy ( Nothing sexier than a man taken good care of his babies)

2. Let's face it he's adorable.

3. He's loyal to the things that mean the most to him.

4. He's a big teddy bear and gives the BEST hugs!

5. He makes me laugh till I cry!

6. He takes awesome care of me when I don't feel very good.

7. He's one hell of a kisser.

8. He knows the true me and loves me anyway.

9. He is a great provider.

10. He made my dreams come true.

11. He gave me the greatest gift of my two kids.

12. We are a perfect fit.

13. He is a nerd ( I personally find that more sexy then a pretty boy anyday)

14. He wants me to stay home and raise the children. I love that he wants a
traditional life.

15. He is a homebody

16. Enjoys family time

17. He is sensitive

18. He has deep sexy blue eyes

19. He loves me

20. He choose me to be his wife!

WIFESTYLES

2006-01-17T12:59:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite photo's of myself and Matt. When I look at it I just get the great sense of calm. Ya know, when life was so simple and I just knew that I was doing the right thing. Now here we are almost 6 years later and that feeling is so far off. It makes me so sad that the "New Love" feelings are gone. I sit here and reflect on our life together and I know we are meant to be together. I am just at a loss as to how we got to this place from there.

Six years ago we were just so dang happy. We respected each others feelings. We knew we were in love and never doubted the others feelings. Now we are parents and so much has happened in those six years it is so hard to remember what brought us together in the first place.

I spend a lot of time naggin Matt. YES I ADMIT IT! I AM A NAG!!!!! But I also have to just say if my husband would do half of what he tells me he would I wouldn't feel the need to go behind him and nag until it gets done. I have been thinking on what am I doing in this marriage to make it like it is. I know I am not a good wife. By that I mean I am not the kind of wife I want to be to my husband. I want to more loving to him. I want to speak nicer to him. I want to be supportive. All these things I want so badly to be but then when I am in the moment my old habits take over. It seems he can bring out the worst in me better than anyone. I almost feel like he wants me pissed off and angry for some reason. We are in such a bad cycle of emotions and fighting that something has to give somewhere. I KNOW I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM. But how do I fix my part without him doing his? I hate the thought of him walking all over me. I refuse to be a doormat and be treated badly. But I guess the flip side of that is even tho I am sticking up for myself the fights are not stopping. HMMMM Maybe I need to let him take control some? I dunno what exactly he needs or wants from me anymore. I am so lost. I do know it is clear he is not getting what he needs or this would not be happening.

Ok so wives how do you feel about your role? Are you the kind of wife you pictured you'd be? If you are not what is it that is stopping you? I am asking myself these questions and right now I don't have the answers. I know I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to ever give up on us. I know we can make it despite all we have gone thru. Those things are important. I have stuck by him thru a lot. I have stuck up for him in many situations. But what I have not done is be his soft place to fall. Be his safe place. Be open to what ever he needs to talk about. I know I am lacking in those area's. But I am unsure why I am. Well That's my rambling thoughts of the day. To be continued.,......

OH act your age!!!!!!

2006-01-17T08:01:00.000-05:00

Ok so maybe they are acting their age. I swear these kids WILL NOT sit for mommy to take their 2 year old photo's. I had it all set in my mind how I wanted it to look. The kids ......UMMM lets just say they don't have time to be bothered with moms grand idea's. These two are the best of the crap they have given me so far. I will get GOOD 2 year pic's of them if it kills all of us.

As if the kids were not enough challange then I also had lighting issues and color of them is waaaay off. Back to the drawing board.....stay tuned more to come ;-)

Mental Baggage.

2006-01-14T08:09:00.000-05:00

We all have it. It's the hidden little things that shape the not so nice you. The stuff you try so hard to hide and pretend are not there. Those deep dark spots inside that are not so pretty.

I know where most of my baggage comes from. What I do not know is how to keep it from affecting my everyday life. I hate the things it represents to me. I don't want to feel like I am broken or messed up. Although I know I am. I worry what baggage I am gonna give to my children.

Most of my baggage comes from my upbringing. My parents on the outside would not seem bad to anyone. I wouldn't even go as far to say that I had a bad childhood. BUT I totally have a lot of issues from the way I was raised. You see, my parents were not hands on. I didn't get kisses or hugs. I can't even say I know who my dad is. He was in the same house as us. My parents are still married but I never really got to know him. I was always considered the "good kid". I never needed much and because my brother needed more he got all the attention and I flew under the radar. Because of this I have real issues with feeling wanted. I have issues with being touched. I have issues with being needed. I have issues of never being good enough. I have issues with men. I have a hard time trusting men. I just wanted to be loved to be hugged to be special to them. But as a kid I felt none of those things. Even as a adult I feel a lot of those things. I lashed out at age 17 and went a path of self destruction. I really made a mess of my life. I know I did that to cry out to my parents but they never did come to help me. Instead they signed me over to the guy I got mixed up with. I don't think I will ever forgive them for that. I was trying to get noticed I was trying to prove to myself they really cared. Instead I proved to myself what I felt all along. I was not important to them. They didn't want to be bothered with me.

Now that I am a adult I see clearly what has shaped me into who I am. What has made me the me I am. I am working on becoming a better me but the deeper I dig into myself the more pain I feel. I wonder if I am normal and if others have gone through this as well. Is this just normal thing we do when you reach your 30's? Or is it the fact I have kids that I worry about messing them up too? I don't know but I am aware of how my parents have shaped me and I will try my hardest to be better to my kids. I worry that I will pass on baggage to my children. I try so hard to love on them everyday. To tell them how great they are and make them feel special. I know I will not be perfect in their eyes and they are gone have things they felt I didn't do for them. I just pray that those things are not really horrid and they become happy adults someday.

TRUST!

2006-01-12T04:59:00.000-05:00

They say trust is the KEY to all relationships. I must agree. I mean without it what do you have? If you can not take what the person who is supposed to mean the world to you says to heart then what can you take to heart?
This brings me to why I need to get this off my chest. My Husband who I love with all my heart has once again betrayed my trust. When we go married in 2000 I trusted this man with all my heart. I believed all the things he said and never thought he would ever screw me. Well that changed in NOV 2002. I had wanted to start a family for a year or 2 and he wasn't ready. He was more into what could he buy and living the "good" life. I wanted to settle down and just be a family. SO anyway in NOV 02 we were out to see his family for Thanksgiving. They have this thing where all of his aunts and uncles and him would hit the stores the next day. No big deal have fun it's not my thing but whatever. We while out shopping he runs into he old high school flame. His first love yada yada yada. I was cool with that part, hey she a nice girl and all. Poor thing was beat up with the ugly stick but, ya know she was nice. Anyway, he finds out she is married and about 4 months preg. I was like "cool" good for them. My husband however was not so happy. I was confused by that, he was noticeably upset. I was like HMMMMMM why in the world would he care about that. I mean he left her and all and was married for 2 years by this point. After we got back home it was about a week or two later and I was very busy packing up our house to move AGAIN. I find out that he has written her and not only has he done that he wrote things saying how he loved her. How she was so beautiful, more beautiful than the last time he saw her (THE GIRL IS UGLY). This was like a punch in the stomach. I was HURT I wanted to leave him but I was determined to make this marriage work. We moved and I tried to get past it all we went on to get preg with the twins and he was still keeping contact with her. I really wanted it to not bother me. I wanted to feel safe but I just didn't. She was not to be in his life anymore. That was my spot now and why could he not let that go? Finally I said this to him I wanted him to have NO contact with her EVER again. He said he would not. I tried to believe him I really did.

Well fast forward to today. Lately my husband has been very very very hard to live with. He is hateful with the way he says things. He is unhelpful most of the time. WHEN he does help he makes it HELL. Like heaven forbid he picks up or cleans then I have to hear all about how out of control the house is. How nasty things are. What bad spots I have things in. Ya know just being a Pain in the ASS. SO I am a bit over my limit with him anyway. Then he goes on to tell me about this house we used to have being for sale still. It made me remember about a house I saw on his favorites that I wanted to ask him about. I KNEW why he had it there I just had a gut feeling but wanted him to say it his self. So he says OH I was just LOOKING at it. It's a real nice house ya know. WHATEVER! WHY? were you looking at it it's 3 hours from here. "Oh someone sent me the link and I was looking at it". "Someone? Like maybe the EX"? He said yes. I said like the EX you had blocked? The EX that you are not to be talking to?. He said yes. I said WHY are you talking to her I thought she was blocked. He says she WAS. Ok so why now go to the effort of unblocking her. He says he was sending out pics of our kids and he wanted to send them to her. UMMMMM NO! I want her NOT in our life AT ALL! He agreed to this a while back and then decided that he would just do as he pleased. I am FURIOUS! I want to just beat the shit outta him.
I love the dumbass I really do. I want our lives to happy and simple. But every time things settle in he goes and does something to shake things up again. WHY? Our kids are 2 and I wanted to have another child next year. Well I can't very well think of those things when he is acting like a dumbass and I don't know if I can trust him EVER. I want to be able to look towards a future and think of it as promising and bright. But can't with the way life is. I don't wanna think I made another bad choice by bringing kids into the world and having them live in a house with two parents who can't get along. I wanna think I made the right choice by marring him. I wanna know that I am loved and cherished and all he ever needs. I want to be good enough. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE!