ONE HOT MAMA

Thursday, January 12, 2006

TRUST!

They say trust is the KEY to all relationships. I must agree. I mean without it what do you have? If you can not take what the person who is supposed to mean the world to you says to heart then what can you take to heart?
This brings me to why I need to get this off my chest. My Husband who I love with all my heart has once again betrayed my trust. When we go married in 2000 I trusted this man with all my heart. I believed all the things he said and never thought he would ever screw me. Well that changed in NOV 2002. I had wanted to start a family for a year or 2 and he wasn't ready. He was more into what could he buy and living the "good" life. I wanted to settle down and just be a family. SO anyway in NOV 02 we were out to see his family for Thanksgiving. They have this thing where all of his aunts and uncles and him would hit the stores the next day. No big deal have fun it's not my thing but whatever. We while out shopping he runs into he old high school flame. His first love yada yada yada. I was cool with that part, hey she a nice girl and all. Poor thing was beat up with the ugly stick but, ya know she was nice. Anyway, he finds out she is married and about 4 months preg. I was like "cool" good for them. My husband however was not so happy. I was confused by that, he was noticeably upset. I was like HMMMMMM why in the world would he care about that. I mean he left her and all and was married for 2 years by this point. After we got back home it was about a week or two later and I was very busy packing up our house to move AGAIN. I find out that he has written her and not only has he done that he wrote things saying how he loved her. How she was so beautiful, more beautiful than the last time he saw her (THE GIRL IS UGLY). This was like a punch in the stomach. I was HURT I wanted to leave him but I was determined to make this marriage work. We moved and I tried to get past it all we went on to get preg with the twins and he was still keeping contact with her. I really wanted it to not bother me. I wanted to feel safe but I just didn't. She was not to be in his life anymore. That was my spot now and why could he not let that go? Finally I said this to him I wanted him to have NO contact with her EVER again. He said he would not. I tried to believe him I really did.

Well fast forward to today. Lately my husband has been very very very hard to live with. He is hateful with the way he says things. He is unhelpful most of the time. WHEN he does help he makes it HELL. Like heaven forbid he picks up or cleans then I have to hear all about how out of control the house is. How nasty things are. What bad spots I have things in. Ya know just being a Pain in the ASS. SO I am a bit over my limit with him anyway. Then he goes on to tell me about this house we used to have being for sale still. It made me remember about a house I saw on his favorites that I wanted to ask him about. I KNEW why he had it there I just had a gut feeling but wanted him to say it his self. So he says OH I was just LOOKING at it. It's a real nice house ya know. WHATEVER! WHY? were you looking at it it's 3 hours from here. "Oh someone sent me the link and I was looking at it". "Someone? Like maybe the EX"? He said yes. I said like the EX you had blocked? The EX that you are not to be talking to?. He said yes. I said WHY are you talking to her I thought she was blocked. He says she WAS. Ok so why now go to the effort of unblocking her. He says he was sending out pics of our kids and he wanted to send them to her. UMMMMM NO! I want her NOT in our life AT ALL! He agreed to this a while back and then decided that he would just do as he pleased. I am FURIOUS! I want to just beat the shit outta him.
I love the dumbass I really do. I want our lives to happy and simple. But every time things settle in he goes and does something to shake things up again. WHY? Our kids are 2 and I wanted to have another child next year. Well I can't very well think of those things when he is acting like a dumbass and I don't know if I can trust him EVER. I want to be able to look towards a future and think of it as promising and bright. But can't with the way life is. I don't wanna think I made another bad choice by bringing kids into the world and having them live in a house with two parents who can't get along. I wanna think I made the right choice by marring him. I wanna know that I am loved and cherished and all he ever needs. I want to be good enough. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE!

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 4:59 AM :: 6 Comments: