ONE HOT MAMA

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Cross eyed???


Ok so help me out here. Today my sweet loving husband said to me that I look cross eyed in my photo on here. I said that no I was just looking to the left and that's why my eye is facing that way. So please tell me the brutal honest truth....DO I look cross eyed? Here is the offending photo a bit larger

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 7:02 PM :: 7 Comments:

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Monday, January 30, 2006

SNASTY!

Ok so yesterday I had a REALLY nasty experience. You see my son is the stinky-est kid in the world. I mean his room smells long after we have gone and gotten him. We have air freshener in his room to defunk it on a daily basis. So anyway I went to get him after a nap and of course Mr. Stinky-pants had pooped. I do my usual damage control and got the wipes all ready had my bag for the toxic diaper I was armed with the air freshener. I had one ready to cover his rear to keep him from putting his hand in it. EEWWW. Then it happened. I slapped my hand right square in POOP! The wipe slipped and my hand went right flat against his poop cover booty. OH.MY.GOD!!!! GAG! SO NASTY!

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 7:42 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Saturday, January 28, 2006

WOW what a difference!

Well today was the first day that Matt and I have had where we both worked on our issues and kept the others feelings in mind. It went pretty dang well. We had a nice family outing. We did some business at the bank then took the kids out to lunch at olive garden. It was SOOOOO NICE! We fell into some of our stupid stuff every once in a while but caught ourselves and worked past it. I was very happy to see if we want to make this work we really can. I actually enjoyed every last min of our day together today. That's a real improvement. Most of the time weekends are full of fighting and hurt feelings. NOT THIS WEEKEND! We have broken the cycle and we are gonna get back to our old life. We both are letting the past be the past and starting a new fresh future. WOW, even with all the extra family drama I feel so free. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 3:48 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Friday, January 27, 2006

What won't kill us will make us stronger.

Well since Matt's parents have shown their true colors, our marriage is better than ever. It brought us closer together and has shown us what we needed all along. We had grew apart a lot while we were handling life with twins. We didn't lean on each other as much because life was so busy. We now know that the only one we can truly depend on is each other. I am so proud of Matt for standing his ground and not letting them jerk him around anymore. So while his dad thought he would drive us apart. What has happened is the exact opposite. Oh that reminds me of a Email his dad had sent Matt back in 2001. He told Matt "Don't get a new job. Get a new wife." This was over Matt saying he wanted to leave G.M. His dad of course thought I was behind it all. When the real truth was I was trying to tell Matt to stay at G.M. Oh I was SOOOO PISSED! SO you see this crap has been going on for a while. But WE WIN! We are still married. We are HAPPY! We don't NEED them. They will see that being in our life is not a RIGHT. ( can I use anymore UPPERCASE words?)

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 8:38 PM :: 6 Comments:

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

ONCE AGAIN MY MOUTH HAS GONE TOOO FAR!

Well to get the whole story go to my hubby's blog. But the real thing I am sad about is NOT what I said to his dad but what it has done to my husband. I have sat by and watched his dad treat him like shit for 6 years and I had enough. This is MY FAMILY and I will not allow him to screw with what is MINE. Ok so yes I know this is his son to. BUT my God how much does he have to take from the man?? I mean once a few years back I'd say Matt was ummmmm about 24-25 his dad told him "if you can't BEHAVE go sit in the CAR". I swear I HATE this man. HATE is such a strong term but yet it is exactly what I mean. I find it funny he spouts on about RESPECT and yet shows NONE to his son or his WIFE for that matter. I find it funny that he can call himself a loving father who does not wish pain on his son and then go on to tell him he is full of bull shit. He was talking out both side of his mouth the entire Email. Oh and UMMMMM we SOOOO are not going to his house to hear his "lecture". Isn't not gonna happen.... Am I so wrong to be happy he never wants to come to our house ever again? I mean the way I see it is.... He is only hurting himself by that. I have NEVER told either of them they were not welcome here. I would not do that to my kids or my husband. As a matter of fact they both are still welcome as far as I am concerned. But I will not stand by while he is disrespectful in our house or to my husband. SO if that's too much to ask they please stay home.

I find it funny how he finds the need to taunt his SON in the Email. I mean COME ON he supposed to his dad not this big ogre and say shit like "Everything you send to everyone, email, text message by phone, I get to read. They save it for me. I didn't ask them to or even want them to but unlike you, they all love me and feel for me and your mother because of the way you two have been acting." PLEASE what about the pain Matt has felt each and every time you come here and treat him, his mother and his autistic brother like shit? Who feels bad for them? Who stands up for them? Well ENOUGH! I can't stand by and watch this train wreck anymore. This is painful for me. I can't even imagine what it feels like to my husband. Oh and how exactly do they save phone calls for him to READ?

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 12:26 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY!




Here they are two years ago to the day. They were still not out of the NICU. Man has life flown by since these were taken. It is so hard to imagine them ever this tiny. Sniff Sniff....My babies are full blown toddlers

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 1:02 PM :: 5 Comments:

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PROJECT FATTEN BABY!

Today was the kids 2 year check up. I am happy to say that we have very HEALTHY kids. The Dr. Was very happy with how well they have done. You see our kids were born 2 months early and came in at William 3 lbs 13oz 16.5 inches
Angelina 4lbs 4oz 18 inches. We have not had any problems with their lungs and all the commons effects of being born too soon have thankfully skipped over us. William has reflux and it was pretty severe as a baby all the way until 18 months. He still battles with it but is WAY better. Angelina has always seemed to be in perfect health. So anyway, as of today they are.....

William 21lbs 2oz
31 inches


Angelina 23lbs 14oz
34 inches


William is still not on the chart but is perfectly healthy and the Dr. Stressed this to me. She said I need to keep on doing what I am to make sure he gets a LOT of fat in his diet. But she said he is very healthy and strong and in no way suffering by being small. Angelina is 50% on height and 10% for weight so she is tall and skinny in the toddler world. All this time we thought she was a chunk and turns out that she is no where near that. She just looks like it against William.

So I am very pleased with my twinadoes. They got the finger prick for iron levels. Both of them came back perfect and then they got the dreaded MMR shot that I have been putting off since 12 months. I wanted to wait on that one because of Matt's brother being autistic and I wanted to be sure that IF either of ours showed signs of it that I would never wonder if it was the shot. They have said for a while now that this shot has been PROVEN NOT to cause autism. But as a mom I didn't want to chance it. SO they got that and the Dr. told me that she knows that neither of them are autistic. They are not showing any red flags at all.

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 11:21 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

NEW LOOK!

I got inspired by JUST A MOM.
So here is my new look. Ya like?

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 7:58 PM :: 14 Comments:

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Monday, January 23, 2006

Not sure if I wanna cry or run away.

Ok I will preface this with I am going thru a bout of PMS and that may have made my feelings worse but they are still valid.

This weekend has not been the best. Matt needs to get his self in check. He has been very hateful with his tone and words to me and I HATE that. I am at a loss as to how do I let that stuff roll off my back and NOT play into it. I know he does it to get a reaction out of me. He wants to get me pissed off. It WORKS! So the marriage is still on the rocks. Nothing is going better. I REFUSE to give up! But again this is gonna take TWO and lots of hard work. I totally get that it's not gonna be easy and that it will not happen over night. I mean it took us 6 years to get to this point. But the kids are worth making it better. Heck I AM worth making it better. *drama coming* All that said I am feeling very hurt, broken and sad today. I want to feel loved cherished and like I am gold. He used to be so sweet and good to me. But like most things that wore off and life took over. Now he treats me worse than strangers and co- workers. Why is it that we treat perfect strangers better than the ones we are supposed to love and adore? Anyway I am kinda down in the dumps today and feeling a bit overwhelmed. *end drama*

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 12:22 PM :: 18 Comments:

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Friday, January 20, 2006

It's not WHAT you say but HOW you say it.

I have come to this conclusion earlier today. Before Matt went to bed we had a bit of a tiff. Not really a fight but a tiff. We were talking about his dad's birthday. It's tomorrow and I had gotten him a card a few days ago. See this man I can not handle him. I hate him! He treats his son's like total crap and not to mention his wife ( my MIL) he treats her worst than crap in my opinion. So anyway I got him a card and I asked matt if he mailed it today. He said not that we HAD to get this asshat a gift before we could mail it. That his dad would be MAD if we didn't. Well this of course set me off. I said NO WAY we are SOOOOO NOT getting him a gift after the way they have been acting lately ( LONG STORY will cover later).
Matt said HAD to and like it or not that was how it HAD to be. We fussed back and forth at each other for a bit about each of our view on this issue. We still do not see it in the same light but it is not that big of a deal. If he wants to get the jack off a gift then so be it. It think it is wrong to make people feel like they HAVE too and that a card is not enough with out a gift but hey whatever.

SO after I put the kids down for a nap and went out to the store to get my Med's and some things we needed I was thinking. What bothers me so much about this gift thing is this. This man has treated my husband like SHIT from the day he was born. He still treats him like shit and I hate to think he has control of any type over him. I hate that Matt feels like sending a card to his dad is not enough. Shouldn't it be? I mean when I put myself in the parents shoes. I would not expect my kids to get me a darn thing and a card would be more than enough. The fact they took time to remember me in their busy adults lives would mean so much to me I would not EXPECT any more than that. Ok so did I handle the problem in the way I could have to make him see where I was coming from? NO! Why?? Well because I ran on pure emotion as I am so likely to do. I get my undies all in a bunch way faster than my brain has time to process what I am feeling. I just knew I didn't agree with what Matt was saying and wanted to be "right". When the fact of the gift was not even the real issue to me. It was the underlying stuff with it that had me bothered. I am working on my temper. I need to cool off before I open my mouth. This is SO HARD for me. I run my mouth and then stuff comes out that I would have never said had I gave my self time to just think things thru. The flip side of this is Matt needs to know I need time to think and let me have it. He likes to push me and push me to say things instead of giving me space to work it out and then talk to me about it later. Some thing we both need to work on I think.

~Sidebar for Matt~
So honey if ya wanna get the jerk a gift card before sending him a card and it means something to you to do it then by all means do it. But please don't do it because you feel like he demands it be so. This is not right and you need to stand for what you think is right. Either way I am behind what you decide to do. I love ya baby doll and I am sorry I wasn't able to talk about this to you like a mature adult. I am a work in progress just like you and together we will make it. I love you honey!
~End sidebar for Matt~

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 12:39 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

JUST SAY THANKS!

Ok after my last post I have something that has to be addressed. In the comments you will see where my husband took everything I said and still found a way of making it wrong or bad. I am so annoyed with this. I felt so good about putting up there all the great things he is to me. Instead of saying thank you or being just happy in general he found something wrong with what I did or did not say. I mean COME ON can't you just take it as the way I meant it and be happy? This is pretty normal when ever I put myself out there for him he will find a way to shoot me back down. Then he wonders why I never say those things to him. He wonders why I just complain and never say anything positive to him. WELL WHEN I DO YOU DO THIS!!! I have admitted all along I am not one to talk "feelings". I have been hurt so may time I keep the tender part of my heart way deep inside. It is easier for me to express anger over any other emotion. There are many reasons I am this way and Matt knows them all but he still does nothing to help me feel safe and this only makes it worse for me. Nothing I do is ever right or good enough. Just the other night he was complaining the he needed a paper shredder. So while I was at the store later that night I got him one. If wasn't top of the line but it was decent. I brought it home to him and he turned his nose up to it and it still has not made it out of the box. I so just want to give up and say to him I will never been enough for you. Please find someone who will and let me be. I am so done with not feeling like anything I do is appreciated or right. I hate feeling like a failure.

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 12:17 PM :: 6 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT HIM!!

Ok with all my complaining I have been doing I decided to do a post of the GREAT things I love about my husband.

1. He is great daddy ( Nothing sexier than a man taken good care of his babies)

2. Let's face it he's adorable.

3. He's loyal to the things that mean the most to him.

4. He's a big teddy bear and gives the BEST hugs!

5. He makes me laugh till I cry!

6. He takes awesome care of me when I don't feel very good.

7. He's one hell of a kisser.

8. He knows the true me and loves me anyway.

9. He is a great provider.

10. He made my dreams come true.

11. He gave me the greatest gift of my two kids.

12. We are a perfect fit.

13. He is a nerd ( I personally find that more sexy then a pretty boy anyday)

14. He wants me to stay home and raise the children. I love that he wants a
traditional life.

15. He is a homebody

16. Enjoys family time

17. He is sensitive

18. He has deep sexy blue eyes

19. He loves me

20. He choose me to be his wife!

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 11:48 AM :: 11 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

WIFESTYLES




This is one of my favorite photo's of myself and Matt. When I look at it I just get the great sense of calm. Ya know, when life was so simple and I just knew that I was doing the right thing. Now here we are almost 6 years later and that feeling is so far off. It makes me so sad that the "New Love" feelings are gone. I sit here and reflect on our life together and I know we are meant to be together. I am just at a loss as to how we got to this place from there.

Six years ago we were just so dang happy. We respected each others feelings. We knew we were in love and never doubted the others feelings. Now we are parents and so much has happened in those six years it is so hard to remember what brought us together in the first place.

I spend a lot of time naggin Matt. YES I ADMIT IT! I AM A NAG!!!!! But I also have to just say if my husband would do half of what he tells me he would I wouldn't feel the need to go behind him and nag until it gets done. I have been thinking on what am I doing in this marriage to make it like it is. I know I am not a good wife. By that I mean I am not the kind of wife I want to be to my husband. I want to more loving to him. I want to speak nicer to him. I want to be supportive. All these things I want so badly to be but then when I am in the moment my old habits take over. It seems he can bring out the worst in me better than anyone. I almost feel like he wants me pissed off and angry for some reason. We are in such a bad cycle of emotions and fighting that something has to give somewhere. I KNOW I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM. But how do I fix my part without him doing his? I hate the thought of him walking all over me. I refuse to be a doormat and be treated badly. But I guess the flip side of that is even tho I am sticking up for myself the fights are not stopping. HMMMM Maybe I need to let him take control some? I dunno what exactly he needs or wants from me anymore. I am so lost. I do know it is clear he is not getting what he needs or this would not be happening.

Ok so wives how do you feel about your role? Are you the kind of wife you pictured you'd be? If you are not what is it that is stopping you? I am asking myself these questions and right now I don't have the answers. I know I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to ever give up on us. I know we can make it despite all we have gone thru. Those things are important. I have stuck by him thru a lot. I have stuck up for him in many situations. But what I have not done is be his soft place to fall. Be his safe place. Be open to what ever he needs to talk about. I know I am lacking in those area's. But I am unsure why I am. Well That's my rambling thoughts of the day. To be continued.,......

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 12:59 PM :: 4 Comments:

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OH act your age!!!!!!





Ok so maybe they are acting their age. I swear these kids WILL NOT sit for mommy to take their 2 year old photo's. I had it all set in my mind how I wanted it to look. The kids ......UMMM lets just say they don't have time to be bothered with moms grand idea's. These two are the best of the crap they have given me so far. I will get GOOD 2 year pic's of them if it kills all of us.

As if the kids were not enough challange then I also had lighting issues and color of them is waaaay off. Back to the drawing board.....stay tuned more to come ;-)

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 8:01 AM :: 3 Comments:

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Saturday, January 14, 2006

Mental Baggage.

We all have it. It's the hidden little things that shape the not so nice you. The stuff you try so hard to hide and pretend are not there. Those deep dark spots inside that are not so pretty.

I know where most of my baggage comes from. What I do not know is how to keep it from affecting my everyday life. I hate the things it represents to me. I don't want to feel like I am broken or messed up. Although I know I am. I worry what baggage I am gonna give to my children.

Most of my baggage comes from my upbringing. My parents on the outside would not seem bad to anyone. I wouldn't even go as far to say that I had a bad childhood. BUT I totally have a lot of issues from the way I was raised. You see, my parents were not hands on. I didn't get kisses or hugs. I can't even say I know who my dad is. He was in the same house as us. My parents are still married but I never really got to know him. I was always considered the "good kid". I never needed much and because my brother needed more he got all the attention and I flew under the radar. Because of this I have real issues with feeling wanted. I have issues with being touched. I have issues with being needed. I have issues of never being good enough. I have issues with men. I have a hard time trusting men. I just wanted to be loved to be hugged to be special to them. But as a kid I felt none of those things. Even as a adult I feel a lot of those things. I lashed out at age 17 and went a path of self destruction. I really made a mess of my life. I know I did that to cry out to my parents but they never did come to help me. Instead they signed me over to the guy I got mixed up with. I don't think I will ever forgive them for that. I was trying to get noticed I was trying to prove to myself they really cared. Instead I proved to myself what I felt all along. I was not important to them. They didn't want to be bothered with me.

Now that I am a adult I see clearly what has shaped me into who I am. What has made me the me I am. I am working on becoming a better me but the deeper I dig into myself the more pain I feel. I wonder if I am normal and if others have gone through this as well. Is this just normal thing we do when you reach your 30's? Or is it the fact I have kids that I worry about messing them up too? I don't know but I am aware of how my parents have shaped me and I will try my hardest to be better to my kids. I worry that I will pass on baggage to my children. I try so hard to love on them everyday. To tell them how great they are and make them feel special. I know I will not be perfect in their eyes and they are gone have things they felt I didn't do for them. I just pray that those things are not really horrid and they become happy adults someday.

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 8:09 AM :: 9 Comments:

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Thursday, January 12, 2006

TRUST!

They say trust is the KEY to all relationships. I must agree. I mean without it what do you have? If you can not take what the person who is supposed to mean the world to you says to heart then what can you take to heart?
This brings me to why I need to get this off my chest. My Husband who I love with all my heart has once again betrayed my trust. When we go married in 2000 I trusted this man with all my heart. I believed all the things he said and never thought he would ever screw me. Well that changed in NOV 2002. I had wanted to start a family for a year or 2 and he wasn't ready. He was more into what could he buy and living the "good" life. I wanted to settle down and just be a family. SO anyway in NOV 02 we were out to see his family for Thanksgiving. They have this thing where all of his aunts and uncles and him would hit the stores the next day. No big deal have fun it's not my thing but whatever. We while out shopping he runs into he old high school flame. His first love yada yada yada. I was cool with that part, hey she a nice girl and all. Poor thing was beat up with the ugly stick but, ya know she was nice. Anyway, he finds out she is married and about 4 months preg. I was like "cool" good for them. My husband however was not so happy. I was confused by that, he was noticeably upset. I was like HMMMMMM why in the world would he care about that. I mean he left her and all and was married for 2 years by this point. After we got back home it was about a week or two later and I was very busy packing up our house to move AGAIN. I find out that he has written her and not only has he done that he wrote things saying how he loved her. How she was so beautiful, more beautiful than the last time he saw her (THE GIRL IS UGLY). This was like a punch in the stomach. I was HURT I wanted to leave him but I was determined to make this marriage work. We moved and I tried to get past it all we went on to get preg with the twins and he was still keeping contact with her. I really wanted it to not bother me. I wanted to feel safe but I just didn't. She was not to be in his life anymore. That was my spot now and why could he not let that go? Finally I said this to him I wanted him to have NO contact with her EVER again. He said he would not. I tried to believe him I really did.

Well fast forward to today. Lately my husband has been very very very hard to live with. He is hateful with the way he says things. He is unhelpful most of the time. WHEN he does help he makes it HELL. Like heaven forbid he picks up or cleans then I have to hear all about how out of control the house is. How nasty things are. What bad spots I have things in. Ya know just being a Pain in the ASS. SO I am a bit over my limit with him anyway. Then he goes on to tell me about this house we used to have being for sale still. It made me remember about a house I saw on his favorites that I wanted to ask him about. I KNEW why he had it there I just had a gut feeling but wanted him to say it his self. So he says OH I was just LOOKING at it. It's a real nice house ya know. WHATEVER! WHY? were you looking at it it's 3 hours from here. "Oh someone sent me the link and I was looking at it". "Someone? Like maybe the EX"? He said yes. I said like the EX you had blocked? The EX that you are not to be talking to?. He said yes. I said WHY are you talking to her I thought she was blocked. He says she WAS. Ok so why now go to the effort of unblocking her. He says he was sending out pics of our kids and he wanted to send them to her. UMMMMM NO! I want her NOT in our life AT ALL! He agreed to this a while back and then decided that he would just do as he pleased. I am FURIOUS! I want to just beat the shit outta him.
I love the dumbass I really do. I want our lives to happy and simple. But every time things settle in he goes and does something to shake things up again. WHY? Our kids are 2 and I wanted to have another child next year. Well I can't very well think of those things when he is acting like a dumbass and I don't know if I can trust him EVER. I want to be able to look towards a future and think of it as promising and bright. But can't with the way life is. I don't wanna think I made another bad choice by bringing kids into the world and having them live in a house with two parents who can't get along. I wanna think I made the right choice by marring him. I wanna know that I am loved and cherished and all he ever needs. I want to be good enough. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE!

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 4:59 AM :: 7 Comments:

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