ONE HOT MAMA

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Mental Baggage.

We all have it. It's the hidden little things that shape the not so nice you. The stuff you try so hard to hide and pretend are not there. Those deep dark spots inside that are not so pretty.

I know where most of my baggage comes from. What I do not know is how to keep it from affecting my everyday life. I hate the things it represents to me. I don't want to feel like I am broken or messed up. Although I know I am. I worry what baggage I am gonna give to my children.

Most of my baggage comes from my upbringing. My parents on the outside would not seem bad to anyone. I wouldn't even go as far to say that I had a bad childhood. BUT I totally have a lot of issues from the way I was raised. You see, my parents were not hands on. I didn't get kisses or hugs. I can't even say I know who my dad is. He was in the same house as us. My parents are still married but I never really got to know him. I was always considered the "good kid". I never needed much and because my brother needed more he got all the attention and I flew under the radar. Because of this I have real issues with feeling wanted. I have issues with being touched. I have issues with being needed. I have issues of never being good enough. I have issues with men. I have a hard time trusting men. I just wanted to be loved to be hugged to be special to them. But as a kid I felt none of those things. Even as a adult I feel a lot of those things. I lashed out at age 17 and went a path of self destruction. I really made a mess of my life. I know I did that to cry out to my parents but they never did come to help me. Instead they signed me over to the guy I got mixed up with. I don't think I will ever forgive them for that. I was trying to get noticed I was trying to prove to myself they really cared. Instead I proved to myself what I felt all along. I was not important to them. They didn't want to be bothered with me.

Now that I am a adult I see clearly what has shaped me into who I am. What has made me the me I am. I am working on becoming a better me but the deeper I dig into myself the more pain I feel. I wonder if I am normal and if others have gone through this as well. Is this just normal thing we do when you reach your 30's? Or is it the fact I have kids that I worry about messing them up too? I don't know but I am aware of how my parents have shaped me and I will try my hardest to be better to my kids. I worry that I will pass on baggage to my children. I try so hard to love on them everyday. To tell them how great they are and make them feel special. I know I will not be perfect in their eyes and they are gone have things they felt I didn't do for them. I just pray that those things are not really horrid and they become happy adults someday.

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 8:09 AM :: 7 Comments: