ONE HOT MAMA

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

WIFESTYLES

This is one of my favorite photo's of myself and Matt. When I look at it I just get the great sense of calm. Ya know, when life was so simple and I just knew that I was doing the right thing. Now here we are almost 6 years later and that feeling is so far off. It makes me so sad that the "New Love" feelings are gone. I sit here and reflect on our life together and I know we are meant to be together. I am just at a loss as to how we got to this place from there.

Six years ago we were just so dang happy. We respected each others feelings. We knew we were in love and never doubted the others feelings. Now we are parents and so much has happened in those six years it is so hard to remember what brought us together in the first place.

I spend a lot of time naggin Matt. YES I ADMIT IT! I AM A NAG!!!!! But I also have to just say if my husband would do half of what he tells me he would I wouldn't feel the need to go behind him and nag until it gets done. I have been thinking on what am I doing in this marriage to make it like it is. I know I am not a good wife. By that I mean I am not the kind of wife I want to be to my husband. I want to more loving to him. I want to speak nicer to him. I want to be supportive. All these things I want so badly to be but then when I am in the moment my old habits take over. It seems he can bring out the worst in me better than anyone. I almost feel like he wants me pissed off and angry for some reason. We are in such a bad cycle of emotions and fighting that something has to give somewhere. I KNOW I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM. But how do I fix my part without him doing his? I hate the thought of him walking all over me. I refuse to be a doormat and be treated badly. But I guess the flip side of that is even tho I am sticking up for myself the fights are not stopping. HMMMM Maybe I need to let him take control some? I dunno what exactly he needs or wants from me anymore. I am so lost. I do know it is clear he is not getting what he needs or this would not be happening.

Ok so wives how do you feel about your role? Are you the kind of wife you pictured you'd be? If you are not what is it that is stopping you? I am asking myself these questions and right now I don't have the answers. I know I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to ever give up on us. I know we can make it despite all we have gone thru. Those things are important. I have stuck by him thru a lot. I have stuck up for him in many situations. But what I have not done is be his soft place to fall. Be his safe place. Be open to what ever he needs to talk about. I know I am lacking in those area's. But I am unsure why I am. Well That's my rambling thoughts of the day. To be continued.,......

Posted by ONE HOT MAMA :: 12:59 PM :: 3 Comments: